Dalam salah satu chapter 7 tahun 7 hari, aku kongsi dimana sebuah buku telah mengubah hidup aku 360 darjah. Di mana penulisnya tidak begitu popular tetapi memberi kesan pada aku yang bukan jenis membaca. While, the author on the other side of the world - may not realised or have no fucking idea that her writings had changed someone's fate and life journey.
That is one of my mission in writing.
So yesterday, as I was busy handling dunia 'korporat dan materialistik', I received an email from a stranger (which I usually read and just keep it in the inbox instead of sharing or reply. I have my own reason for that. Aku malas share puji-pujian sebab orang akan rasa aku bragging) And this time, I would love to share sebab aku rasa misi kecil aku tercapai. Dan the real satisfaction came when; people think you're an inspiration but somehow it recycles - that we actually inspire each others. Aku baca dan rasa calm. Suami baca dan mengalir air mata. Over betul.
I've read your book, "7 tahun 7 hari" and the book really change me and I never thought that I can be this strong after reading your book.
I've been reading your blog since years ago, since zaman kejatuhan awin. I love your words, I love the way you express your anger through words but somehow I couldn't understand kenapa sebab cinta, kenapa sebab lelaki sesetengah perempuan pilih untuk jahanamkan hidup. Mungkin zaman tu saya naif tentang cinta.
Until the end of 2012 when I found a guy that has opened my heart. I started to know him since Mar '12. There's something inside him that makes me want to be with him and it's not gonna happen because he has a girlfriend. I know its wrong tapi cinta itu kan pelik. I can't deny my feeling, I can't say no to him. We were in our own world, even though we both know that we can't be together. He's not like the other guys yang mulut manis suka main kayu tiga. I don't know how to describe, but his personality has won my heart. We never treat each other like a girlfriend, boyfriend but his action towards me, the way he cares about me are enough to win my heart.
I lost my mom this year due to cancer and he's the one who always be by my side along my recovery period. Gosh, how can I not to love him? He's there, he's always there. He told me that he loves me but he's attached to something that is called commitment. Our relationship is really complicated. We were so in love and have lot of commons. Saya syafiqah, dia syafiq. I never love a guy as much as I love him. Too many coincidence between us that makes us closer day by day. Awin, it might take forever to describe all those sweet little things, it might take forever.
Until 29/08 this year, when he made an announcement that he's getting married by the end of Sept. Only Allah knows my feeling that time, I had a terrible breakdown. I lost my mom five months ago and I'm going to lose a man that I truly love on the same year. It was the greatest challenge that Allah gave. At that time I couldn't think straight, so I curse him, and he says sorry. Honestly I already knew that he's going to get married on Sept but I'm being a denial by hoping that he would cancel his wedding. Gadis menyedihkan macam saya ni mungkin hanya boleh menumpang kasih saja.
Awin, haven't I told you that we work under same workplace? His workstation is beside me, and at that time all that I want to do is to quit 24 hrs. I'm not strong enough to face him. You can't move on if you meet him everyday. You can't move on if you have to see how happy he is with his new life while you, spending your night crying.
He knew that I'll feel sad about his wedding. He told me that everything is so complicated. We work under one department, awin. He made the announcment during our weekly meeting and I'm not in the meeting room at that time. He purposely made that announcement when I'm not around. Tapi mungkin Allah memang nak tunjuk and nak bagi saya sedar that I can't live in denial anymore, the moment he says "jemputlah datang wedding saya" I enter the room to take my book, and saya dengar semuanya. Only Allah knows how I feel that time.
We haven't talked since that day. He says sorry, but the sorry won't change anything. It wont change things that have happened. I took a long leave before his big day. He left his wedding card on my table. I don't know where he get the idea of inviting me. Doesn't he know that it will make things go worse. I don't think I have the guts to see him and his wife bersanding.
Awin, haven't I told you that our house near with each other? Even if I quit my job, I don't think I can completely move on. Every place that I go, it will remind me of him. See, too many coincidence between us. And even boss put us under same project, sigh. Susah nak let go and move on, awin.
Three weeks before his wedding, I bought your book. I read your book twice within two days. Its something inside your book that makes me wake up. I read about your struggle in life, I read about your boyfriend left you, but somehow Allah replace him with someone that you never expect to be your husband. At that time I started to realize on the existence of hikmah. Awin, your book has inspired me in so many ways. And I change my mind right after I read your book. I went to his wedding. Crazy, I know. I shook hand with his wife and I even took photo with the bride and the groom. Surprisingly not a single tear was shed since the night dia nikah. Those strength that I got, its from your book, Awin. I don't know you but somehow I can feel you. Allah's plan always the best. Thank you awin for sharing your story. It is such an inspiration. Gdsjht yg dulunya rebel, yg setiap ayatnya penuh agoni, who would have thought that it can be an inspiration untuk gadis yang tidak diadili di luar sana. Thank you, awin. I think thank you is not enought but yeah, you have inspired me. Thank you very much, awin :)