Wednesday, 8 July 2020

Plot Twist.

Pada satu fasa umur, aku rasa blog ini cuma bahan jenaka. Umpama kesalahan bodoh yang kita pernah buat tika muda tapi direkodkan di atas medium untuk tontonan umum. Untuk jadi bahan kesian dan umpatan, bahan gelak-gelak tika tua, oleh silent readers dan yang tiba-tiba rasa kenal di dunia nyata. Pada perspektif mana dan apa pun, konklusi dibuat oleh mata para pembaca, satu ketika aku rasa malu dan menjengkelkan yang amat sangat bila blog yang dikiranya bodoh ini dijadikan jenaka dimeja kopi dicampur dengan kehidupan realiti.

Genap saja umur aku 30 tahun, blog ini masih jadi simpanan aku. Aku tatap satu-persatu, aku bangga. Sebab kebodohan yang aku pilih ini, gadis enam belas thaun dulu masih hidup, masih bertahan, masih bernyawa. Masih di sini, boleh menaip mengadu dunia yang aku masih bernafas -- kerana blog inilah aku buangkan rasa sunyi dan benci yang menghantui. Kerana blog bodoh ini.

Bayangkan aku tanpa blog ini? Tak jumpalah aku dengan manusia-manusia baik. Tak kenallah aku dengan manusia-manusia jelik. Mati tertimpa rasa berat dikepala atas silap orang lain buta-buta. 

Ini adalah blog yang kedua selepas blog pertama aku padam. Bagi yang mengikut dari awal tentu tahu misi utama apa yang seorang aku perjuangkan, other than just see me as another rebellious kid coming from a broken family, one thing you should know yang kau tak boleh diamkan seorang aku, di sini mahupun di dunia realiti. Besides two separate characters I have in between my alter ego, remind yourself that I can smack you hard with my words here, even harder in reality. Tapi itulah, the young me tak pernah ada rasa takut but now I have three boys to escort, masih tak takut, but extra defensive.

Mari pembaca, mari bayangkan bersama. What if.. the idea of me screaming for justice all these years was actually wrong? Bayangkan, kau tonton sebuah cerita tapi dari sudut empat-lima narrator, it made you so confused which stroyline should you pick. Bayangkan, satu hari itu suicidal thoughts crossing your mind because all the nightmares have been telling you - you are the reason this and this happened?

Poof! The plot twisted.

Apa yang aku perjuangkan selama 30 tahun ini adalah culprit sebenar. Don't be mad, bukan kau saja rasa diperbodohkan. I've been fooled too.

Sunday, 22 March 2020

Robbed.

‪I wanted to talk about grief. How should I response to a death? Does it need a pinch of sadness? Especially to a blood-related ones but never "showed up"? Should I fake a cry? This, a specific feeling I could not defined has been bugging my head and it is trigerring.

I don't deserve this. I don’t want to be related with anyone who abandoned me with my past, left me alone figuring who am I, but yup of course some of you want to be part of my life when things look “settled”.‬ So how are you when you found me? "So proud of you" because you think you knew me? You can comment how wrong I decided what I want in life because the system broke me, not you? So you can advice me how to ride this life like you do?

They say it takes a village to raise a child, were you in? This is my childhood I am talking about. You don't need to speak on my behalf. You robbed it from me. I was robbed, saved, robbed, saved, robbed again until I feel numb and stopped being a child when I was 9. My childhood is buried the day I parenting myself. The whole village failed me.

You found me here. I was made from a village I did not choose to raise with. I left the “villagers” but they keep coming back for an acknowledgement because they think they know me. If you are one of them, the joke is on you.

Monday, 17 February 2020

You’re welcome.

So you found me. How does the real me differs than my alter ego?

Monday, 8 July 2019

Sedih yang dilupakan.

Aku lupa bagaimana rasanya sedih. Mungkin terlalu sibuk dimanjakan, atau sibuk dengan anak-anak dan hal dunia. Rindu rasa sedih yang dulu aku bentak-bentakkan pada dunia dulu tu. Kadang aku rasa, rasa sedih itu perlu untuk aku keluar sekejap dari rasa selesa. Aku rindu jugak menulis. Walaupun tulisan di blog lapuk ni macam dah tak relevan, aku rasa aku kena jugak menulis to keep myself sane. Kalau nak aku kembali menulis, cerita tentang apa agaknya patut aku tulis?

Monday, 29 October 2018

Monday, 24 September 2018

Ease the pain.

People will usually have a lot of things to say when you are no longer alive. We asked for help but nobody listened. I wish I can end this life and ease the pain.

Wednesday, 19 September 2018

Ketagih.

Sadness is addictive. It's going to break you or make you.

Alang-alang tengah fragile ni, I am going to spend more time here. Aku off diri sekejap dari phone, no calls no text, no social engagement. Aku baru je nampak "not-so-silent-reader" aku punya blog/buku/merchandise hampir sebijik macam aku punya and that is just another bullshit I need to deal with. Aku rasa semua orang tak perasan yang their action actually menyumbang rebahnya orang. It makes you feel orang selama ni baik dengan kau ada motif. I'm done. I kept my phone away in the wardrobe dan berbalik pada dunia asal gelap aku, sini. Aku tak rasa dunia luar serba canggih faham aku buat masa ini. I let go my work, my passion, my dreams for awhile. Sedang manusia makin menyakiti.

Jangan ada yang ingat aku ada masalah rumah tangga pulak. Penyakit ni tak ada kena mengena pun kalau kau ada rumah tangga yang bahagia. Loneliness attack people like us most of the time. Partner aku cakap aku kena jugak menulis balik to keep me sane. Lepaskan semua, just like the good old gadisjahat. Tergelak aku. He is truly a lover. Aku rasa aku masih hidup pun sebab dia.

Have you ever realised that sometimes Tuhan pisahkan orang-orang yang kita sayang so we can grow better? Some of them dipisahkan for good, untuk tak kembali pada kehidupan kita. Some of them was a lesson for us, to be a better person. Bukan semua salah orang, mungkin juga sebenarnya salah kita. Do you happen to know someone who is always with you all this time - walaupun lama dah tak bercakap?

I do.