Sunday, 22 March 2020

Robbed.

‪I wanted to talk about grief. How should I response to a death? Does it need a pinch of sadness? Especially to a blood-related ones but never "showed up"? Should I fake a cry? This, a specific feeling I could not defined has been bugging my head and it is trigerring.

I don't deserve this. I don’t want to be related with anyone who abandoned me with my past, left me alone figuring who am I, but yup of course some of you want to be part of my life when things look “settled”.‬ So how are you when you found me? "So proud of you" because you think you knew me? You can comment how wrong I decided what I want in life because the system broke me, not you? So you can advice me how to ride this life like you do?

They say it takes a village to raise a child, were you in? This is my childhood I am talking about. You don't need to speak on my behalf. You robbed it from me. I was robbed, saved, robbed, saved, robbed again until I feel numb and stopped being a child when I was 9. My childhood is buried the day I parenting myself. The whole village failed me.

You found me here. I was made from a village I did not choose to raise with. I left the “villagers” but they keep coming back for an acknowledgement because they think they know me. If you are one of them, the joke is on you.

Monday, 17 February 2020

You’re welcome.

So you found me. How does the real me differs than my alter ego?

Monday, 8 July 2019

Sedih yang dilupakan.

Aku lupa bagaimana rasanya sedih. Mungkin terlalu sibuk dimanjakan, atau sibuk dengan anak-anak dan hal dunia. Rindu rasa sedih yang dulu aku bentak-bentakkan pada dunia dulu tu. Kadang aku rasa, rasa sedih itu perlu untuk aku keluar sekejap dari rasa selesa. Aku rindu jugak menulis. Walaupun tulisan di blog lapuk ni macam dah tak relevan, aku rasa aku kena jugak menulis to keep myself sane. Kalau nak aku kembali menulis, cerita tentang apa agaknya patut aku tulis?

Monday, 29 October 2018

Monday, 24 September 2018

Ease the pain.

People will usually have a lot of things to say when you are no longer alive. We asked for help but nobody listened. I wish I can end this life and ease the pain.

Wednesday, 19 September 2018

Ketagih.

Sadness is addictive. It's going to break you or make you.

Alang-alang tengah fragile ni, I am going to spend more time here. Aku off diri sekejap dari phone, no calls no text, no social engagement. Aku baru je nampak "not-so-silent-reader" aku punya blog/buku/merchandise hampir sebijik macam aku punya and that is just another bullshit I need to deal with. Aku rasa semua orang tak perasan yang their action actually menyumbang rebahnya orang. It makes you feel orang selama ni baik dengan kau ada motif. I'm done. I kept my phone away in the wardrobe dan berbalik pada dunia asal gelap aku, sini. Aku tak rasa dunia luar serba canggih faham aku buat masa ini. I let go my work, my passion, my dreams for awhile. Sedang manusia makin menyakiti.

Jangan ada yang ingat aku ada masalah rumah tangga pulak. Penyakit ni tak ada kena mengena pun kalau kau ada rumah tangga yang bahagia. Loneliness attack people like us most of the time. Partner aku cakap aku kena jugak menulis balik to keep me sane. Lepaskan semua, just like the good old gadisjahat. Tergelak aku. He is truly a lover. Aku rasa aku masih hidup pun sebab dia.

Have you ever realised that sometimes Tuhan pisahkan orang-orang yang kita sayang so we can grow better? Some of them dipisahkan for good, untuk tak kembali pada kehidupan kita. Some of them was a lesson for us, to be a better person. Bukan semua salah orang, mungkin juga sebenarnya salah kita. Do you happen to know someone who is always with you all this time - walaupun lama dah tak bercakap?

I do.



Monday, 17 September 2018

Where do we get the restart button?

Hey.

Aku tak pasti blog ni masih relevan atau tak. Tapi aku akan ke sini setiap kali aku macam lost. Macam melawat sisi gelap yang kau dah kuburkan or maybe tak terkubur sangat cuma it feels good to be here again.

Everytime I feel a bit lost and numb about life, aku akan cuba cari what makes me feel good about myself. Penyakit ni mengada-ngada tau. You lose a lot of energy and need to comfort yourself all the time. Aku saja masuk Goodreads tadi just to check on latest comment. Latest is May 2018. Thanks bro. Not sure why, but honest and sharp criticism always warm my heart. Perasaan dia macam takut nak baca tapi ketagih. Macam bukan kau mintak pun orang review panjang-panjang, plus you're nobody but people spent their time to write a long and genuine comments about you. Pray for you. Best sial.

Partner aku selalu cakap yang aku patut tulis buku lagi walaupun tulis buku kat Malaysia ni won't make you a millionaire. I'd say, menulis boleh. Tapi aku tak tahu mana nak mula. Aku berseni dalam keadaan keterpaksaan. Kalau benda tak menguntungkan aku tak boleh make a living, buang masa. I guess seni tulis dan politik sama je. You'll be the puppet, kapitalis menang, penonton sorak.

Bertanya pasal benda apa yang paling aku pernah menyesal buat seumur hidup? I would definitely say tulis buku. You opened up too much to people and people still being judgmental. Fuck that shit.