Tuesday, 13 January 2015

GDSJHT 10 TAHUN



 


Sempena meraikan sepuluh tahun hari lahir menulis sebagai GDSJHT, a true fan (my husband) made me a tee design. To compliment the design, I have made another tshirt for him and few postcards (personal letter) for your keep. I'm selling 7 Tahun 7 Hari and Tentang along with the tees, postcards, and a bookmark for RM99/set. Email me for any queries at gdsjht@gmail.com. Inshallah, I will answer all of your questions.

Thank you for always being here with me. It's been ten years. Your love and hate are much appreciated. Baby M is kicking. I got to go.

Yours truly, Awin.

Monday, 29 December 2014

Nobody, still.

Approaching 2015.

2014 masih bagi goosebumps bila setiap kali aku cuba-cuba pandang belakang balik. Cepatnya masa berlalu buat aku dengki dengan waktu-waktu yang dihabiskan tanpa perasan. To know that there's something living in me now is another kind of feeling. I thought I'm still the same boy who stuck in a girl's body. Disebabkan putaran masa terlalu cepat (atau aku yang dah terbiasa living in denial) I am now have to accept the fate that I am a wife to an ordinary guy, and soon a mother to a son.

Yes, it's a boy.

I watched Side Effects, last night. One of the lines said, "the best predictor of future behaviour is your past behaviour" yang buat aku terus fakir 360 darjah tentang perkara yang berlaku disekeliling - antara cinta, kuasa, kerja, agama, negara, all related to one another. Dan aku? Apa sumbangan aku untuk semua? To conclude all in one sentence, I'm running out of words. 

Terlalu banyak yang aku fikirkan sampai aku rasa dunia memang kejam untuk bumi yang ternyata sudah tua umurnya. So I think I'd keep it all within myself. Hari ini, aku buat satu lagi keputusan besar dalam hidup. Aku berhenti kerja dan putuskan untuk kerja dengan diri sendiri. I know it's going to be another issue to some people, but hey, I think I deserve to choose whats right for me.

Aku selalu gusar, selalu takut kalau-kalau aku tak mampu nak ubah hidup. Orang kata kalau ada degree rugilah kalau tak kerja (which they refer to 'makan gaji'). Tapi kalau ikutkan, aku kerja dari kecil sejak aku kena kenal erti duit dan makan. Dari aku kena jual kuih dan tidur menumpang. Dari kena jahit butang baju harga 1 sen dan jual aiskrim dekat sekolah. I didn't get any degree for that. Untuk aku, sijil aku adalah tiket. Pengalaman hidup aku adalah kunci. Aku takut kalau tak dapat kerja bagus, tak dapat hidup kaya, masih lagi dipandang hina. To the point I realized - siapa sebenarnya aku nak impresskan ni? Manusia lain ke diri sendiri?

Aku takut kalau-kalau tak mampu berkeluarga, wasted half way, tak cukup duit tak mampu besarkan anak, I am totally going to repeat the same history I have face before - which is my biggest fear to see my child suffer the way I was before. Sampai satu masa aku duduk dan fikir balik, yang aku jugak pernah dibesarkan oleh manusia biasa, perempuan tua, tak ada ijazah, tak ada apa. Kenapa bukan aku?

"Ijazah yang terbaik datangnya dari jalanan" - Malique

I'm glad being nobody. I envy nobody. I hope we all make it.


Tuesday, 16 December 2014

Farewell 2014.

I remember when the first time I wrote on gdsjht in 2006. All I had was anger.

Most of the entries were all about disappointments towards surroundings and society. Maybe that's just how I divert my anger. When I stopped writing, I started beating (Totally another story). Because I was beaten mentally and physically, I couldn't longer divert the anger into something safe. Time changing, life changing, lesson learned. I improved my anger management.

It's like a disease & when it's cured I feel so grateful. Not really 100% but alhamdulilah there was no more tumbuk pintu sampai pecah and no more bruised hands. Bila aku tiba tiba rasa nak tulis balik, I feel like it's going to be manipulated & as usual always been misinterpreted. Backspace, log out.

I have a lot of things to tell, to share. Aku cuma allergy dekat society yang penuh kepura-puraan. When you have the power & money kau rasa kau boleh beli orang dan layan macam anjing. Back to that era, not like I was unhappy all the time. But I transferred all the bad vibes into writings. Macam laci yang simpan kebencian. 

Marah dengan scammer baju pengantin yang buat aku turun naik mahkamah dan masih boleh bayar Nora Danish untuk publish iklan dia dekat Instagram. Tuhan maha adil, kawan share partner dia sendiri bagitahu aku yang dia ditipu 100k. Marah dengan pembeli buku yang tak reti sabar walaupun dah minta maaf tiga kali, dan tak semena-mena cakap aku berlagak dan suruh sedar diri. Aku bangga dengan diri sendiri sebab tak maki dia. Come on, tak ada sebab kot aku nak berlagak, nak lupa diri. Rata-rata semua orang tahu aku datang dari mana, anak siapa, dibesarkan macam mana. (These stories should be written in another 'special entries', aku akan cuba cari masa untuk cerita demi pedoman bersama)

Aku pemarah juga bila dewasa ini. Masih baran, masih mengamuk. Cuma tak seteruk dulu dan boleh dikawal. Duduk sebumbung dengan orang yang belum ajak bergaduh pun dia dah minta maaf buat aku lemah. Maksud lemah kat sini, macam unchallenging. Sebab dia tak egois, tak banyak songeh, mengalah sebelum aku marah. Banyak benda yang aku belajar tentang sabar dan diam. Jadi kalau aku rasa nak marah pun macam buang masa. Sebab dia akan terus-terusan cium peluk cium peluk cium sampai aku rimas dan reda. Dia tetap tak akan bagi aku tidur dalam keadaan marah dengan sesiapa pun, akan tetap bangun setiap pagi dan cakap aku cantik walaupun hakikatnya aku tahu aku serupa paus yang terdampar dipersisiran pantai.

This time, last year, I was still with my cigarettes, hot pants, and sleeveless. Masih dibawah cahaya gelap lampu neon muzik bising. Masih keliru nak buat apa dengan hidup. Masih rasa tak guna pada semua orang. Tapi sekarang, waktu ini, tak lah sebahagia mana, tapi cukup-cukup untuk jadi yang biasa-biasa. I know I don't deserve all this, tapi Tuhan maha kaya kan?

Kita selalu penat mengeluh nak mintak.
Tapi Dia selalu bagi jugak walau kita selalu malas mintak.

Sempena lagi dua minggu nak tahun baru, aku cuma harap aku akan jadi lebih elok dari sebelumnya. Just like how 2014 have changed me. Sampai aku pun tak perasan tang mana aku berubah. 2015 aku harapkan aku boleh kerja sendiri tanpa makan gaji atau bergelumang dengan politik korporat dan kroni.  2015 juga aku harapkan circle kawan-kawan aku semakin mengecil supaya aku senang jaga sesiapa yang nak ada sampai tua. 2015 aku harapkan Mak aku panjang umur supaya misi aku kahwin cepat untuk dia pegang anak aku tercapai. 2015 aku harapkan Amir masih handsome dan cintakan aku seperti 360 hari sebelum ini. 2015 aku harap aku dapat hapuskan rasa marah dan tangani dipresi sebelum aku jadi seorang ibu.

Wednesday, 8 October 2014

Playlist #24



Pastikan nangis yang paling kuat semalam berganti dengan senyum yang paling lebar esok.

Saturday, 4 October 2014

Thank you stranger.

Dalam salah satu chapter 7 tahun 7 hari, aku kongsi dimana sebuah buku telah mengubah hidup aku 360 darjah. Di mana penulisnya tidak begitu popular tetapi memberi kesan pada aku yang bukan jenis membaca. While, the author on the other side of the world - may not realised or have no fucking idea that her writings had changed someone's fate and life journey. 

That is one of my mission in writing. 

So yesterday, as I was busy handling dunia 'korporat dan materialistik', I received an email from a stranger (which I usually read and just keep it in the inbox instead of sharing or reply. I have my own reason for that. Aku malas share puji-pujian sebab orang akan rasa aku bragging) And this time, I would love to share sebab aku rasa misi kecil aku tercapai. Dan the  real satisfaction came when; people think you're an inspiration but somehow it recycles - that we actually inspire each others. Aku baca dan rasa calm. Suami baca dan mengalir air mata. Over betul.

***



Hi Awin,

I've read your book, "7 tahun 7 hari" and the book really change me and I never thought that I can be this strong after reading your book.

I've been reading your blog since years ago, since zaman kejatuhan awin. I love your words, I love the way you express your anger through words but somehow I couldn't understand kenapa sebab cinta, kenapa sebab lelaki sesetengah perempuan pilih untuk jahanamkan hidup. Mungkin zaman tu saya naif tentang cinta.

Until the end of 2012 when I found a guy that has opened my heart. I started to know him since Mar '12. There's something inside him that makes me want to be with him and it's not gonna happen because he has a girlfriend. I know its wrong tapi cinta itu kan pelik. I can't deny my feeling, I can't say no to him. We were in our own world, even though we both know that we can't be together. He's not like the other guys yang mulut manis suka main kayu tiga. I don't know how to describe, but his personality has won my heart. We never treat each other like a girlfriend, boyfriend but his action towards me, the way he cares about me are enough to win my heart.

I lost my mom this year due to cancer and he's the one who always be by my side along my recovery period. Gosh, how can I not to love him? He's there, he's always there. He told me that he loves me but he's attached to something that is called commitment. Our relationship is really complicated. We were so in love and have lot of commons. Saya syafiqah, dia syafiq. I never love a guy as much as I love him. Too many coincidence between us that makes us closer day by day. Awin, it might take forever to describe all those sweet little things, it might take forever.

Until 29/08 this year, when he made an announcement that he's getting married by the end of Sept. Only Allah knows my feeling that time, I had a terrible breakdown. I lost my mom five months ago and I'm going to lose a man that I truly love on the same year. It was the greatest challenge that Allah gave. At that time I couldn't think straight, so I curse him, and he says sorry. Honestly I already knew that he's going to get married on Sept but I'm being a denial by hoping that he would cancel his wedding. Gadis menyedihkan macam saya ni mungkin hanya boleh menumpang kasih saja.

Awin, haven't I told you that we work under same workplace? His workstation is beside me, and at that time all that I want to do is to quit 24 hrs. I'm not strong enough to face him. You can't move on if you meet him everyday. You can't move on if you have to see how happy he is with his new life while you, spending your night crying.

He knew that I'll feel sad about his wedding. He told me that everything is so complicated. We work under one department, awin. He made the announcment during our weekly meeting and I'm not in the meeting room at that time. He purposely made that announcement when I'm not around. Tapi mungkin Allah memang nak tunjuk and nak bagi saya sedar that I can't live in denial anymore, the moment he says "jemputlah datang wedding saya" I enter the room to take my book, and saya dengar semuanya. Only Allah knows how I feel that time.

We haven't talked since that day. He says sorry, but the sorry won't change anything. It wont change things that have happened. I took a long leave before his big day. He left his wedding card on my table. I don't know where he get the idea of inviting me. Doesn't he know that it will make things go worse. I don't think I have the guts to see him and his wife bersanding.

Awin, haven't I told you that our house near with each other? Even if I quit my job, I don't think I can completely move on. Every place that I go, it will remind me of him. See, too many coincidence between us. And even boss put us under same project, sigh. Susah nak let go and move on, awin.

Three weeks before his wedding, I bought your book. I read your book twice within two days. Its something inside your book that makes me wake up. I read about your struggle in life, I read about your boyfriend left you, but somehow Allah replace him with someone that you never expect to be your husband. At that time I started to realize on the existence of hikmah. Awin, your book has inspired me in so many ways. And I change my mind right after I read your book. I went to his wedding. Crazy, I know. I shook hand with his wife and I even took photo with the bride and the groom. Surprisingly not a single tear was shed since the night dia nikah. Those strength that I got, its from your book, Awin. I don't know you but somehow I can feel you. Allah's plan always the best. Thank you awin for sharing your story. It is such an inspiration. Gdsjht yg dulunya rebel, yg setiap ayatnya penuh agoni, who would have thought that it can be an inspiration untuk gadis yang tidak diadili di luar sana. Thank you, awin. I think thank you is not enought but yeah, you have inspired me. Thank you very much, awin :)