Inner child

When I was a child, I prayed for death. The world is too heavy for me to breathe in. I prayed, and prayed, and prayed. I slipped, not once but thousand times. I continuously talking to my Creator as I feel so lonely, dark and gloomy. They say the seed you plant is not for the fruit you can eat tomorrow.

And I keep planting, my dua here and there. Years has passed, I am not sure if my happiness came from the seeds I planted or the duas from strangers. But Allah gifted me with three boys to fill in my loneliness. As the hole filled in, Allah said "If you ask more, I will give you more"

So I keep praying, while my boys fixing the pieces. I am a girl which never had a dream, so I became greedy I prayed for a bigger family. Allah gave me beautiful nieces & nephews, on the day of my father's passing. Allah said, I'll take one, but I'll give you more in exchange. In my recent dua class, I learned that dua can be;
1) Allah will give you
2) Allah will give you, but not today, maybe in 1-5-10-30 years
3) Allah will not give you because He replace it with something better

Ratinah, Razif, Razak, Ramzita, Ramizah, Razaleigh, Ramshiena, Ramshiela, Nuzuin. The world is too complicated right now, I pray if we cannot meet in this dunya, Allah swt will reunite us again in hereafter. As family.