Wednesday, 6 September 2017

Peluang.

Kalau kau ada satu lagi peluang, apa yang kau nak buat?

Random things have been bothering my mind lately. Kenapa, kita selalu ingat benda-benda jahat yang orang pernah buat pada hidup kita. Whenever their names, photos, or places pass, we easily touched by the 'things' they did. Perasaan yang kalau diingat-ingatkan, macam tak ada kemaafan yang layak diberi. Have you been wondering why people do such things to you?

Seminggu dua lepas, aku 'terserempak' dengan satu post dalam Explore Instagram. Post tentang kenangan dan kemunduran. How memories have dragged him into his current life condition. Macam orang putus asa. Patah semangat. Macam yang dia nampak semua dwi-tona, tak ada lagi peluang lain. All his posts are in black and white. One post that triggered me was, there were my old photos. I was one of his memories? What have I done? I have no clue.

Satu ketika aku rasa semua yang menyakiti ni memang niatnya jahat. Satu masa aku fikir balik adakah perbuatan aku yang buat dia bertindak jahat? Mungkin salah yang aku nampak sebenarnya berpunca dari aku. Aku mungkin tak akan dapat peluang untuk putar masa, tapi kalau aku boleh ada peluang duduk dan bercakap, I would, rather than writing about them. If only I can sum up into conclusion, and it is my fault, aku nak minta maaf.

Satu ketika pula bila aku terlalu berat memikir perbuatan orang pada aku yang bawa aku ke hari ini, I would really thank them. Kalau tak sakit, mungkin tak bangun. Kalau tak bangun, mungkin tak jumpa yang lebih membahagiakan. Tiap kali itu aku tanya betul ke aku bahagia? Bukan pura-pura? Kalau betul adakah orang yang sakiti aku dulu bahagia jugak? What if I was the one who made them miserable? Macam mana kalau sebenarnya aku yang menyakiti?

Kalau aku ada masa, I would definitely write a book again. But to write a book, it's a mind challenge. You play with your feelings, your writings bring you back to the things which hurt you the most. You have to sit & feel that terrible emotions again and again. Places, images, all those familiar faces are like flashback scenes in a movie.

Itu baru proses. Bila dah tulis, kena pula fikir what are the consequences to people. The readers, the person involved, to our own lives. Would it make any difference? Would I contribute anything? Adakah orang yg sakiti aku dan aku sakiti akan baca dan faham? Thousands of questions popped out. 

I write non fiction sebab aku tak pandai mereka imaginasi. My writings were based on true stories. Samada betul atau salah to another parties, that would be their stories. So kalau ada peluang untuk tulis lagi, kalau boleh, aku nak buat untuk orang yang kalau aku ada pilihan, I would choose to sit and talk.

Macam Surat Untuk Ayah.

Yang dah lama aku tulis tapi aku tak pernah buka lagi dan habiskan. If only I have the chance to sit and talk about my feelings towards him. His letters that I kept untill today, how his actions have made my life. I wanna ask a lot of questions, I wanna know thousands of why. Why can he be such human. 5 tahun, 15 tahun, 25 tahun. Three different views. Just like the oceans, the feeling keeps changing. But the memories still haunting. So IF ONLY I get the CHANCE, I would rather sit and talk to these kind of person rather than writing about them. I never had that chance.

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